Razzle Dazzle Holiday Spirit
[Werner and Markovich laugh. Festive music plays in the background.] Werner: The listeners are probably wondering what's going on. Markovich: If they know “Werner and Markovich in the Morning,” going fifteen years strong right here on 94.7 WOWS, then they know: We have fun. Werner: So, Christmas. Katie, are you thinking about Christmas yet? Markovich: Tony, all I do is think about Christmas. Werner: Well, full confession. I don't know what to get you this year. Markovich: But I'm so easy to shop for. Werner: What about me? Am I easy to shop for? Markovich: No! You're impossible. Werner: Well, I have good news for you. And for anyone with a Grinch in their life. Markovich: So you admit it. You can be a Grinch. Werner: Hey, I plead the Fifth. But I will willingly tell the truth about a little Christmas miracle called the Oak Hills Mall. Markovich: Now, for long-time listeners of our program, you know that we are sponsored by the Oak Hills Mall. But even so, we are completely honest and unbiased when we say that the Oak Hills Mall at Christmastime will change your life. Werner: That's right. When I think of the holidays, I think of gingerbread men, decking the halls, and Sleep Number mattresses: a flagship store of the Oak Hills Mall with over one million beds sold worldwide. Markovich: Fa la la la. You know what I always loved about the Oak Hills Mall, with entrances on Route 222 and Oak Hills Road Extension? Werner: What's that? Markovich: From the time I was a young child, I would grab my Christmas shopping list and head to one of my favorite Oak Hills Mall hotspots, Spencer Gifts. All alien t-shirts are now buy one, get four free. Located in the east wing of the mall right next to Sears Auto Center, there's something for everyone at Spencer Gifts. Werner: And there's something for everyone at Sears Auto Center! Right now, you can get a 4000-pound capacity floor jack for only 59.99. Markovich: And this season, there's fun for the whole family. Troubadours will be singing Christmas carols dressed in traditional Dickensian garb. Werner: On Christmas Eve, they'll be joined by the Saint Wenceslaus Bell Choir. Mulled cider will be served while supplies last. Markovich: Ooh, mulled cider. Sounds like Mom and Dad are getting their Christmas wish. Werner: Now, Katie, I hear you're doing something special at the Oak Hills Mall this Saturday. Markovich: That's right. I will be set up in front of the LensCrafters with copies of my self-published book titled The Christmas Gift: One Family's Journey to Learning to Love. Werner: That's your memoir, right? Chronicling your family's decision to buy a Dalmatian puppy? Markovich: That's right. We, um, uh, really have our hands full. The breeder said he would be a low-energy house dog, but, well, that was false, because Checkers is just a pistol. He does this thing where he just chews on the drywall. Tony, tell us about what you'll be doing at the Oak Hills Mall. Werner: Well, Kate, I'll be doing my live Santa Tracker. Markovich: What isn't at the Oak Hills Mall? Seriously? I'm blanking. Werner: Oh, how about a Christmas dinner? Markovich: You're in luck, because one of my favorite holiday restaurants is at the Oak Hills Mall. That's right. Sbarro. Every time I eat a slice, I feel like I'm next to the Trevi Fountain in Roma. Werner: I mostly get the ziti. Call me crazy, but I find a menu item I like and I stick to it. Something like The Cheesecake Factory just stresses me out. Markovich: You want to know what stresses me out? Parking. Werner: Really? Parking? Markovich: Yeah! Parking! Werner: Well, then you're in luck, because the Oak Hills Mall has three parking lots, all of which connect directly to the mall. We do want to warn you, though, folks… Markovich: The Oak Hills Mall has undergone some changes over the last year in an attempt to appeal to a younger crowd. Werner: Jetsetters. Markovich: Right. So if you park at the Anthropologie… Werner: ….or the Container Store, or the Crate and Barrel… Markovich: … be careful, because they are pretty strict on their lot in and outs. In fact, I got my car booted at the Crate and Barrel. Werner: I mean, I don't want to point fingers, but I think someone at Anthropologie punched out my driver's side window, put the car in neutral, and then just rolled it out into the street. Car smelled great though. Markovich: Okay, so you're covered, Tone. I know exactly what I'm getting you. Oh, but I hate to wrap. Werner: Well, then you're in luck, because all month long, the Millard North track team will have a gift wrapping station, right by customer service and the Pandora. Last year, I must have dropped off, I don't know, twenty packages, right as the mall was closing on Christmas Eve. And they got it done! Markovich: Perks of being a celebrity, I guess. Speaking of perks, I got you an early Christmas gift. Werner: You did? Markovich: Open it up. Werner: Ah, a new drill bit set. Markovich: It's no big deal. Werner: Oh, wait, I think I hear the sound of sleigh bells. Markovich: You didn't. Can I open it? Werner: Oh, open it! Markovich: Oh, Tony! White Diamonds by Elizabeth Taylor. Werner: I got it on sale at Yonkers. That's your signature scent, right? Markovich: It's actually my fancy perfume. I wear it out to dinners or the movies. Thanks, partner. Werner: Well, Merry Christmas from all of us at 94.7 WOWS. Markovich: Merry Christmas to all, and we'll see you at the Oak Hills Mall. [They chuckle. Festive music plays.] Werner: Oh, thank God that's over. Markovich: Oh, seriously, I hate that mall. I don't even go there anymore. Since they put in that Five Guys, it's just not my crowd. Smells like beef all the time. Werner: You know what? I don't use their bathroom anymore. Markovich: Really? The one by the food court? Werner: Yeah. No, not since I found that wig in that toilet. I don't know if it fell off or if it was abandoned, but it really freaked me out. Markovich: I bet. Werner: It really freaked me out. Markovich: You know, walking around in there, there's, like, no ventilation. I swear, some of that air has been in there since the 90s. In some places, I can still smell Tommy Girl. Werner: Ha! Tommy Girl. Great, Kate. That's great. Markovich: No, seriously, it's like being on a plane. It just gets worse the more people they have in there. This Christmas, I'm gonna bring my own oxygen tank. Werner: You should.Transcript
Music: Radio illustration by Bets OchoaCredits
Werner and Markovich have been delighting audiences with their antics at 94.7 WOWS for years. They met when Werner was doing a freelance storm-chasing gig out of Wichita and Markovich was still on the pageant circuit in Ames (hosting...NOT competing).