Soothing Holiday Meditation

Hello, and welcome to this Advent meditation. Find a safe and comfortable position. That may take you several years to accomplish, depending on how much student debt you have.

Once you are safe and comfortable, allow yourself to be fully here in this moment. Allow your eyes to close. Ignore the sounds around you. Well, not this sound—the sound of me talking. That's sort of part of it. But the other sounds: Ignore them. Especially sounds from your phone. Unless you're listening to this on your phone. In which case, again, still listen to this sound.

Okay. To start… Since this is the holidays, make sure all of your bones are inconsolably cold. Surround yourself with people, yet feel alone. You are a holiday-themed rom com. You are a mall on the last Saturday before Christmas. You are a football game. Pile blankets on every surface of your body to try and keep out the cold. But fail. You are now ready to meditate.

Take in a deep breath. Peace on earth. Breathe out fully. Cinnamon-scented happiness. In, peace. Out, cinnamon. As you breathe the holidays, allow your limbs to become heavy. If you have bought any gifts, laden your limbs with them now. If you haven't bought any gifts, what are you doing? You're so late. You should be completely done with gift buying. Unless you are a failure at loving people.

Feel the weight of your purchases, both made and unmade, pulling your limbs down to the earth. Feel the support of your blankets where your legs or butthole meet them. Good. Good.

Take a few moments now to notice how you're naturally breathing.

No, not not like that. Don't— Don't do it like that. That's not. Uh. Forget it. Forget it. Forget the breath. Keep breathing. But don't think about it so much. Don't think about a purple elephant. Don't imagine a purple elephant. And don't imagine that it is dressed like the Elf on a Shelf. That's ridiculous. Elves are small. This is an elephant. How absurd that you should imagine this. You are an adult with many holiday responsibilities. You only think about important things. That's why you're meditating. Meditating is a cool adult thing to do. And you're doing it. Wow, you are very cool.

Where is your tongue? That's weird. Is it always there? Just feels like you'd notice it there. Huh.

List now, as fast as you can in your mind, every task you have to complete before the end of the year. Do not try to remember them. You cannot remember them. List them. List them. You are Santa, and your tasks are the good and bad children, and the list is never ending.

Come back now to the room and continue forgetting your list. Wiggle your fingers and toes. And then wiggle your arms and legs. And then wiggle your head and middle parts. And then wiggle your entire body, just a little bit, all over.

You did a meditation, and now you're better than other people. Never forget that.